lately I seem to be content with doing nothing. I have no guilt or shame or sense of longing. Those goals that I have set for myself seem to be off at a safe distance. They are there if I wish to return to them. Right now I am content with doing nothing. As life moves around me I seem indifferent to it all. Duties, responsibilities hell even my enemy Chores has fallen to the wayside. Like Odysseus’s men I have fallen in with the lotus eaters. I have eaten the sweet fruit of indifference and seem to care for nothing more than more indifference.
Now those of you who actually read these posts are thinking ” Limbo you’re in Limbo man.” No this is not limbo. I know limbo. Limbo feels different. It smells different. You see when I am in Limbo I know I am there. In the land of the lotus eaters I had no awareness. Time stopped. A day became a week became a month.
Maybe it’s the big D…you know Depression?
Well in a word…NO.
Being a student of thinking and Philosophy I am familiar with the tenants of Psychology. As such I also know there are hundreds of schools of thought on the human mind and human behavior. These are all Philosophy not actual science. Their measurements are based on percentages of observed groups. Their treatments are the same. Based on whatever school of thought or Philosophy the clinician subscribes to is how they will perceive your need for treatment. More importantly I know how I feel when I’m depressed. This was not one of those times.
So what is the root cause?
Well until recently I have been extremely busy. Which is OK. Busy for me is good. I like busy. My intensity was great and I was passionate about my projects. I am of course referring to this site and the new site www.waylowsworkshop.com.
Somewhere somehow the lotus seemed to take the reins propelling me into an almost euphoric state of indifference. I would like to tell you the time and date It first took hold but the truth is I am not really sure.
In fact it’s a lot like driving.
There you are on the highway with miles ahead of you. The road is hypnotic and you withdraw into your own thoughts. Then you are at your exit with no real memory of the drive or the road or for that matter of your own thoughts. Time folds in on its self.
Somehow you are just there.
Artists, that is individuals with artist sensibilities tend to be self-absorbed introspective introverts who view the world from a different point of perception. Usually at a distance. A comfortable distance. A safe distance.
Its is easy to sit down and begin writing and lose myself for the day. Duties, responsibilities and yes even people fall by the way side. In the same way I can pick up a paint brush and begin a project and loose preservative completely.
Please observe that I never said that I was a good artist, that is a writer or for that matter a painter. I am just explaining an artistic sensibility. Knowing this I built into my life parameters so that I don’t lose myself completely. I am never so consumed with sensibilities that I can not find my way back. There are always bread crumbs to follow.
Yet I fell. Not as a result of self-absorbed endeavors. I fell to the hypnotic road that stretched out before me. I fell to the mundane world around me. I became a lotus eater.
Cooking which is something I have a passion for learning fell by the wayside. I was busy. Fast food was easier. At first it was cheap fast food. Then trying to justify this poor diet I modified it. I consumed pub crawlers dripping with cheese and bacon-e goodness.
Funny how we do that. Rather than admitting we are eating bad we try to make things right by eating the best of the bad. Some how the more expensive pub crawler seems better than something a clown might offer. But it just wasn’t burgers or fast food. It was frozen pizzas and chili dogs and baked mostaccioli..
Not to mention the bags of cookies. Do you ever sit in the car in the grocery store parking lot and eat the cookies? Not a cookie I’m talking the entire bag. I do that with Nutter Butter cookies. Can’t help myself. Kryptonite for real.
I then began setting aside things that needed my attention. See the urgency of my professional life over shadowed the things that needed doing. Both the mental and physical strain of long hours left me drained. A pizza, television and bed became my norm.
Now the work schedule returned to normal. Yet I lingered in the land of the lotus-eaters. I continued eating greasy fast food, powering myself on energy drinks and candy bars. My fast burning was ending with the worst crashes. When I got home I could do nothing more than watch television. More of the hypnotic road.
You see I was no longer striving to do my best in all areas of my life instead I was doing the minimum simply to get by. The worst part was I did not care. Like Odysseus’s men I lost all desire to do anything more than continue to eat Lotus.
The world makes it easy for us to forget ourselves. Our desires and goals can easily be left on the side of the road. To often the easy simple and mundane takes over. We lose all sense of ourselves.
We employ quick fixes rather than actual solutions. We buy new clothing rather than going to the gym to lose the weight. We avoid the work it takes to prepare a decent meal because of the effort involved. It is so much easier to speak directly into the clowns head.
In fact this life style is so intoxicating that it self perpetuates. Once you eat of the lotus you only desire the lotus. Nothing more.
The crew members had Odysseus to pull them back to the ship. I believe the voice that called me back is God’s. In fact to return to where I was it will take applying all the lessons in experiential experimentation that I have shared with you on this site and then some.
The worst part of this experience is like the man who reaches his exit I to have no memory of the road I traveled to get here.
May the Love of Christ be with you always….
…Live long and Prosper
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